*Berlin-Poe

That what?

I'm sick of this...this underlining sadness I have. I miss her and more and more I realize how unlikely it is we will ever talk again, let alone be lovers. I realize this and it give me a calm wash. I can't tell you why a year from the fact I'm still like this. I am generally unhappy with my living situation...well that was before.

I love my brother and Josh but it is so good to be able to stretch my legs and be alone. With my room mates gone I'm ever so more lonely, but that itself forces me out of the house to go be with others.

I want to find a girl, but I know I'll just be lifting the filter of Allison against them. It's already happening.

I want to date a nice goth girl. Someone who will remind me Allison is missing out.

PS. I'm doing good, really.

Sadly I am sad as usual, because I'm so sad.

I realized it when I was in the shower this morning. My mind flashed back to me harassing Allison on her regular forum and getting nice and banned from her boyfriend of all people, but that was really just back log bullshit, my mind flashed to the only movie I can relate to these days, High Fidelity. "When you harass them you make them into a little unit." Yes. They are now a unit. I have handed over ammo to the boyfriend to be a hero. I...I didn't know that when I tried to get Al to talk to me again.

She is just awful. She doesn't give a shit about how bad I hurt and I...I actually cared about her.

FUCK!

...I need a distraction, my distractions aren't enough, I'm too crazy, too lonely, too stupid.

It's great. I got my painting in to the student gallery.

Fuck.

I woke up not happy. I woke up to thoughts of all my ex girlfriends. Not just the one vexing my mind now. You get so wrapped up in them and you want it to never end, but everything ends.

I'm not happy. I dread living alone. I dread the next year and change of Full Sail. I want this all to end so I can pick up and move away.

Fuck.

Happy Birthday Spray, I'm disappointed in you!

It's short for Spraynard.